I'm Not Crazy
by BLATTY
Summary: chapter 5 up! story bout Pony facing his inner demons sorta i guess... but carried out in the manner of songfics... please r
1. Default Chapter

Hullo everyone! This is my first attempt at a song fic. *crosses fingers . well here goes. This is prolly gunna suck but I'm bored. so hey. I own none of the outsider's characters. I also do not own Matchbox twenty's lyrics. This is from Pony boy's POV by the way  
  
All day staring at the ceiling  
  
Making friends with shadows on my wall  
  
All night hearing voices telling me  
  
That I should get some sleep  
  
Because tomorrow might be good for something  
  
I was in my room, lying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling. I felt alone the shadows made on my wall from the little light coming through my window. It seemed like they were my only friends lately. The socs all hated me even more than usual for the whole Bob incident.  
  
There were the guys. But I had kept myself in my room 24/7 so I had very little contact with them. They'd drag me out there every now and again but I wasn't me. How could I be when so much of what made me me was gone?  
  
Then there was Darry. I could tell he was worried about me. I felt bad about that. He had enough to worry about. Why did I have to add to that?  
  
And Soda, my dear brother. He was here right now, even though I felt alone. He lay asleep with his arm across me as always. I know he was really worried too. He kept trying to talk to me. But I never would talk. No, I had become a ghost. I never talked. I barely ate. And Sleep, well I could barely even remember what that felt like.  
  
I'd lay awake all night and then be dead tired all day. It was hard to sleep with all those voices in my head. I knew it was just a matter of time before I would pass out from exhaustion. I barely had the energy to run anymore or do anything I used to.  
  
Hold on  
  
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown  
  
And I don't know why  
  
How long could I last like this? How long could I go on with all this guilt? I knew I'd break down soon. I needed to do something but I didn't know what. I had to get healthy.  
  
"You're never going to be healthy. You don't deserve to be, this is all your fault."  
  
"Don't listen to him pony it's not your fault. Try and get some sleep."  
  
"Sleep? You don't deserve sleep."  
  
"Would you all shut up."  
  
I couldn't take this anymore. I hated laying there staring at the ceiling. I slid out from under Soda's arm without waking him. I walked outside and laid down on the grass. I liked the night air. It was one of the few things that actually felt refreshing.  
  
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
  
I know right now you can't tell  
  
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see  
  
A different side of me  
  
I laid there awhile just thinking. Its what I did with most of my time, but this was the first time I really thought things through and thought about what other people saw. I knew they all thought I was crazy. But I wasn't. If I could sum it up I'd say right now I'm just a little unwell.  
  
I know that if people could see it from my point of view maybe they'd think different. They could realize I'm not insane but that I just need a little time.  
  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
  
I know right now you don't care  
  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me  
  
And how I used to be...me  
  
It's funny how everyone always jumps to the conclusion that you're crazy. I heard the guys talking the awhile back. I was in my room. I heard Steve say, "The kid's crazy."  
  
Soda and Darry defended me. But even Two-bit started to agree with Steve.  
  
But I'm not crazy, I know I'm not. The whole thing's just left me a little impaired. They just expect me the to be how I used to. But I can't. I'm not the same.  
  
I'm talking to myself in public  
  
Dodging glances on the train  
  
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me  
  
I can hear them whisper  
  
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me  
  
Out of all the hours thinking  
  
Somehow I've lost my mind  
  
Sure I may talk to myself. But that doesn't mean I'm crazy. I'm not really talking to myself. The little time I do talk it's usually to the voices in my head. I'm just trying to get them to shut up. There's nothing crazy about that.  
  
I hear them all talk. The kid's lost it. That's the one that's flipped his lid. That's the killer, but I don't know if he belongs in jail or a crazy ward.  
  
Tonight I even heard Darry and Soda talking.  
  
Darry had said. "I think we need to get him some help Soda."  
  
"Come on Dar, he's just trying to work through some things." At least Soda had faith in me.  
  
"Soda, it's not healthy. You just don't wanna see it."  
  
"You don't think I see it Darry! I know my brother's gone crazy! I'm not blind! I just don't wanna believe it!"  
  
It went on like that. Even my own brothers thought I was crazy. Maybe if they thought so then it was true. No it couldn't be.  
  
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
  
I know right now you can't tell  
  
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see  
  
A different side of me  
  
I'm not one of those crazy lunatics. All those people in the crazy bin starve themselves, or cut themselves, or try to kill themselves, or end up on drugs, or shut people out until they break down, or whatever. That wasn't me. I know that's what they all say. But I wasn't in denial. I was smart, I'd know if I was crazy. Wouldn't I?  
  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
  
I know right now you don't care  
  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me  
  
And how I used to be  
  
I watched a firefly off in the distance. I'd like to be a firefly. Nobody ever called them crazy. They just got to fly in the night's air giving off light. They never had to worry about getting their friends killed, or worrying their brothers, or other people stuff. Ya I'd like to be a firefly.  
  
I've been talking in my sleep  
  
Pretty soon they'll come to get me  
  
Yeah, they're taking me away  
  
I know it's gunna be soon that I have to go see the men in white jackets. I don't belong there but I know everyone thinks I do. I can't believe that no one will just give me the time I need without deeming me crazy. I should do something crazy just so it will be true. I mean people say it enough it might as well be.  
  
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
  
I know right now you can't tell  
  
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see  
  
A different side of me  
  
I started climbing the tree in our front yard. I climbed to the branch I normally climb to in order to draw and write. I stopped briefly. But I kept going. And I kept going and going until my legs would climb no more. I sat on the branch closest to me.  
  
I looked down. Man was I high. Why had I climbed so high? I sighed and leant back against the tree.  
  
I used to climb this tree all the time. When I was little. When mom and dad were around. I'd climb with Johnny and we'd just sit here and talk. That was before I got him and Dally killed.  
  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
  
I know right now you don't care  
  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me  
  
And how I used to be  
  
I stood up. I found my footing and looked down. I was going to jump. I'd do it. I mean I was crazy right? So why not? It's something I a crazy person would do. I mean I owed it to them anyway. It was the least I could do after all the bad things I have done.  
  
I was about to jump when I noticed the sun coming up. I stopped briefly to look at it.  
  
Yeah, how I used to be  
  
How I used to be  
  
Well, I'm just a little unwell  
  
How I used to be  
  
How I used to be  
  
I thought about the last time I had really stopped to watch the sunrise. It was in Windrixville. With Johnny. He'd dug it too. Poor Johnny. He'd never get to see another one. Because of me. And what about Dally? Johnny had told me to show Dally one. I couldn't do that now could I? Dally never saw one.  
  
Just then I heard the screen door open and it shook me out of my thoughts.  
  
I saw Soda. "Pony what are you doing up there?"  
  
I didn't say anything. Darry was there too. He spoke up next. "Ponyboy! Get down from there! You're going to get hurt. PLEASE!"  
  
I heard them continue to yell things. And I even saw Darry climbing up after me.  
  
Oh no I'm not crazy.  
  
I'm just a little unwell  
  
Hell, who am I kidding. I probably am. 


	2. Whisper

Hey everyone! I was just going to leave this as a songfic but I decided to continue because the reviews I got were all good. so ya. but whatever else I add onto this will also be in sonfic form ( hehe.I know I have other stories to update as well .I'll do so tho.and this one'll prolly be shorter than the last.prolly suck too tho lmao. thanks to:  
  
crazy4nc128 -hehe thanks man! And thanks for reviewing everything I write!! :D  
  
DallysGirl4Life -hehe thanks a lot, and I'm glad you want me to continue!:D  
  
Scarlett7 -Thanks a lot. I just really like the song and the outsiders of course so I decided to mix lmao! Well thanks a lot! :D  
  
kimmerkay -I'm glad you're gunna keep reading! Thanks for reviewing yet another of my stories! Ur awesome! :D  
  
And as always. I own nothing. Neither Outsiders nor Whisper by Evanescence  
  
catch me as i fall  
  
say you're here and it's all over now  
  
speaking to the atmosphere  
  
I can see Darry climbing. He has big muscles it's easy for him. But he's approaching I have to do something. I see Soda below me looking very worried.  
  
I want to jump. I want to be caught. But then again I don't. I want it all to end. It won't be over until I'm gone. I have to do this. I want to feel the air rush around me. What other choice do I have?  
  
no one's here and i fall into myself  
  
this truth drives me into madness  
  
i know i can stop the pain if i will it all away  
  
No one's here I'm all alone. Well they're here I can see and hear them. Even Steve who had apparently crashed on our couch was out trying to convince me to come down. But I'm still alone. Except for those voices in my head.  
  
"Jump Pony Jump!"  
  
"No don't do it kid!"  
  
"You're worthless and useless and stupid just do it!"  
  
"You'll show them!"  
  
They're driving me crazy. I want them to leave. But they won't. Not until they've achieved their mission. After all they speak the truth.  
  
I can end it all. I can make this pain go away. It'll be easy. I'll will it away with one swift jump.  
  
don't turn away  
  
don't give in to the pain  
  
don't try to hide  
  
though they're screaming your name  
  
It's too late now to turn back Pony. Don't turn away now. But I have to fight it. There's so much pain but I can't let it win. I'm a good person I can't let this happen. I have to face the pain instead of running.  
  
I can hear them screaming my name now over the voices. Are they finally getting through? Do I really need to do this? They'll help me out. They care about me.  
  
Who am I kidding? I'm no good person. And they don't care less. They just don't want a crime scene in their front yard. Or have to pay the money that will be involved with the funeral or hospital bills or whatever.  
  
No but they do care, they do.  
  
don't close your eyes  
  
God knows what lies behind them  
  
don't turn out the light  
  
never sleep never die  
  
I can't close my eyes. I know the voices will take over. I can't let them win. No I must keep them open and stay in control. Never sleeping, never closing my eyes for fear of what will come.  
  
I must win, I must. So instead I look unto the ground below me.  
  
i'm frightened by what i see  
  
but somehow i know that there's much more to come  
  
immobilized by my fear  
  
and soon to be blinded by tears  
  
i can stop the pain if i will it all away  
  
It scares me. I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of jumping. I'm scared of what everyone else will think. But wait I'm crazy right?  
  
I know that I must fear staying alive much more. I know that the pain I feel now is much greater. I need to get it over with. Just do it Pony please just do it.  
  
I walk a little further onto the branch. I want to jump. But I'm so afraid. My legs won't move anymore. They're planted down. But why am I so afraid. This is what everyone wants. This is what is right.  
  
I can feel warm tears start to drip down my face as I start to think straight for the first time in awhile. I can no longer see the people on the ground through my tears. Why am I crying?  
  
But I can feel the branch start to wobble. Darry must be close.  
  
don't turn away  
  
don't give in to the pain  
  
don't try to hide  
  
though they're screaming your name  
  
I know he's close. But I don't turn around. I don't look back. That would make me want to go back but there's no turning back now. This is it.  
  
I can still hear them scream my name but it starts to become more and more faint as the voices become louder and louder. Now I can no longer hear them at all, only the voices in my head.  
  
"Stop wasting time!"  
  
"Don't do it! Don't do it!  
  
"Get it over with all ready!"  
  
"Just hurry the hell up. Ready one, two three!"  
  
And I feel my feet leave the branch.  
  
don't close your eyes  
  
God knows what lies behind them  
  
don't turn out the light  
  
never sleep never die  
  
The ground rushes closer and closer but actually very slowly. The spinning is making me sick. So I close my eyes. I'm stronger then them. I try to block out the voices. But I can't I'm not stronger than they are! I'm not!  
  
"Good job Pony!"  
  
"Look what you've done!"  
  
"Now no one ever has to deal with you again!"  
  
"That's right! You did the right thing!"  
  
That silly one voice. It always tries to be the voice of reason. Does it not see its outnumbered and it isn't coming through.  
  
Nothings coming through.  
  
But wait, what's that. I can hear something over the voices. It's so loud it hurts. It's a siren. How long has it been there? Oh well. Pointless now. I'll be dead soon enough.  
  
fallen angels at my feet  
  
whispered voices at my ear  
  
death before my eyes  
  
lying next to me i fear  
  
she beckons me shall i give in  
  
upon my end shall i begin  
  
I open my eyes as I see the end coming before me. I know heaven's near. I wonder if I'll see Johnny and Dally and Mom and Dad. I hope so.  
  
"You're not going to heaven!"  
  
"There's always a chance Pony. You're a good boy!"  
  
"There's no chance! Look at all the harm you've done!"  
  
"You're going to helllllll! You're going to helllllll!"  
  
I see my death now fast approaching. I do the only thing I can think of. The first good thing I've done in awhile. I finally find my voice for the first time in a long time. "I'm sorry!" I yell and my voice fades in the distance.  
  
forsaking all i've fallen for i rise to meet the end  
  
It's coming. The end is coming. Is this it? Is this the end of Ponyboy Curtis? I see a fruit fly pass in the distance. Lucky bastard. 


	3. heaven coming down

Hullo once again everyone. this was a tough one. I looked through many cds and lyrics and stuff and finally picked a song. This is Heaven Coming Down by The Tea Party. It was a toss up between that and Can you see my tears by them as well but this is it here it goes. By the way this is now in SODA'S POV! And by the way, I'm sorry if this is super short. But I'm sunburned real bad (including eyelids, and the sole's of my feet, that bad) so I'm tired and don't feel like sitting up anymore.  
  
But first thanks to:  
  
Friends1416@aol.com-thank you sooooooooo much! =D enjoy  
  
DallysGirl4Life -thanks a lot! I'm glad you liked it! I love getting ur reviews so please keep it up! =D  
  
CrazeLilDreamer -Thanks for both ur reviews!! I'm sorry that I didn't thank you in the last chapter for ur review on the first chapter but I got it after I updated. You get it right? Good cuz I'm confusing myself. But the song is one of my faves too! Everyone, even my mother says it applies to me =S lmao I dunno. But thanks again and please keep reading!!=D  
  
kimmerkay -yup yup there's another chapter! Yay! Thank you for another awesome review! I love reading your many reviews and thanks again!! =D  
  
Scarlett7 -sorry to end it there! But there are more chapters coming! Thanks for ur review! And keep reading!!=D  
  
GirlsDontCri -thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it! Please keep reading and keep reviewing ; ) hehe thanks!  
  
And as always. I own nothing.  
  
Soda's POV!  
  
With nothing to lose you'd waste away  
  
obscure in exile  
  
they've witnessed the times  
  
you've gone astray  
  
whose fault? now you're thinking...  
  
Why, Pony why? Did you feel like you had nothing left to lose? Don't think I didn't hear you mumbling to yourself when you think I'm asleep. But you have so much to lose. You're so smart and you have so much ahead of you.  
  
I know you think it's you fault. But it's not. It's not your fault at all, none of it. Why can't you realize that?  
  
theres's nothing to prove  
  
a message from the crowd  
  
to the shore...  
  
I don't know what you're trying to prove. I should have seen it before. I knew you needed help. But I didn't want to believe it. You're my baby brother, nothing could be wrong with you.  
  
You need help. And I'll get it for you. Just stop whatever it is your trying to prove. Maybe you're trying to prove to yourself that it was you fault because even you know it wasn't. I dunno.  
  
and it feels now  
  
just like heaven's coming down  
  
your soul shakes free  
  
as its conscience hits the ground  
  
The fire truck and ambulance are so close but yet so far. I can see them, the people running from them. It's a good thing Steve called 911 when we first realized where you were.  
  
And Darry, he was right behind you. He know stands where you did just seconds ago.  
  
But none of that matters. Seeing you hurdle towards the ground, it feels like you're bringing everything with you.  
  
It feels just like heaven's coming down around me.  
  
so strange are the ways,  
  
they all have changed  
  
still life it stays the same  
  
a break from the past  
  
could make it last  
  
maybe just a little longer  
  
Things have changed so much. But we've tried so hard to make it like things used to be. It was obvious you knew things had changed. We all did. But we tried so hard to pretend like it didn't.  
  
But you didn't pretend. Life was the same, but so very different. And it hit you.  
  
If I could go back in time and change things I would. I'd make the past different. Everything would be the same and fine. And you would be fine. But I can't. Oh, I wish that I could.  
  
there's nothing to prove  
  
a message from the crowd  
  
to the shore...  
  
I hear you call out "I'm sorry!" The first thing you've said in a long time with meaning. Don't be sorry. Just stop. Make it all go away. You've always been surprisingly strong. Even after all you went through.  
  
But this time you put up a wall. And you wouldn't even let me through. I doubt you even let yourself in. So what am I supposed to do? You've always been strong and helped me through things, Sandy, mom and dad, me quitting school. How am I supposed to be strong?  
  
you surrender  
  
love under will  
  
rest assured you're adored  
  
But as you're falling you made a crack in the wall. I know you haven't broken it down completely. But I can tell you do want to be helped.  
  
But you surrendered to the pain. I love you. You can't let the pain will. Always know that you are loved. Not just by me but by others. We couldn't go on without you.  
  
and it feels now  
  
just lie heaven's coming down  
  
your soul shakes free  
  
as its conscience hits the ground  
  
Heaven's breaking around me. If you die I'll die too. You have to make it.  
  
I see the fire truck's already here trying to save you. But their ladder won't do much good to take you down now. Steve's running over with a sheet. I see Two-bit here too. When did he get here?  
  
I'd catch you with my own arms if I could. But I know I'm not that strong.  
  
But the firefighters and Two-bit and Steve are ready to catch you, sheet wide open. And the rest are getting Darry down. He's so big, the branch could give any minute.  
  
this time, no tears,  
  
just one last chance to see you prove  
  
stay strong, no fears  
  
there is a change that's  
  
coming through  
  
Why aren't I crying? I just can't seem to. Any other time there I am bawling my eyes out. But no. I just stand hear handicapped by my own fear.  
  
If I'm so afraid then you must be too. Stay strong. You're gunna be fine. You'll make it through this and then we'll help you feel better.  
  
hold on my love  
  
hold on...  
  
sorry if that was short.please review. I'll update soon 


	4. holdin on

Hullo again everyone. Sorry bout the time it took to get this up but I had some troubles with the song again. I've decided to go back to Pony's POV for this chapter. but there will be others at times too just not now hehe. Um back yeah this is Holdin On by Saliva. And also if anyone has any songs they would like to see on here or ideas please leave it in a review or email thanks! It would be very helpful thanks! But first thanks to:  
  
SodapopC -thanks a lot. Unwell is one of my favourite songs too! Hehe. Um thanks for the great review and keep reading! =D  
  
kimmerkay -lmao yes the agony. Hehe well you're now free from it. Thanks for the review!! =D  
  
CrazeLilDreamer -thank you so much! I'm glad u liked it! Hehe! Hey it's cool to be crazy =D  
  
DallysGirl4Life -hehe thanks for another great review! Keep reading! =D  
  
crazy4nc128 -lmao soda how dare u make someone cry! Lmao thanks a lot man hehe!=D  
  
crazy4nc128 -hehe its okie, no prob. I'm sure u reviewed. Hehe thanks again tho!!! =D  
  
Scarlett7 -hehe thanks a lot! I'm so glad you liked it! Hehe!=D  
  
GirlsDontCri -hehe thanks. Took me long enough to pick it lmao! =D  
  
And as always.I own nothing.  
  
The day's reality around the bend.  
  
Pain and misery my only friend  
  
It's now so bright out. I guess it's still only morning though so it would be. I roll over in my bed thinking over what had happened.  
  
There I was falling, eyes closed prepared for the end. But when I finally stopped falling I realized that it hadn't hurt like I expected it to. I did sorta have the wind knocked out of me though but that's it.  
  
I opened my eyes and noticed I was laying on something white. Maybe I had died on impact and that's why I hadn't felt anything. I thought I was in heaven. But I knew I didn't belong in heaven.  
  
I took a good look around realizing Steve and Soda and Two-bit and I guess some fire fighters had caught me in a sheet or something. Why had they saved me?  
  
I've knew I couldn't be in heaven because I was already in hell.  
  
I raise a toast and I salute the end.  
  
Six feet in the ground is where the living begins.  
  
I wish they hadn't of saved me. I know I won't be able to go on until I've paid my dues. I don't know any other way than to sacrifice my life. But they had stopped me and dragged me back here. And now I'm once again stuck in this world.  
  
After they had gently placed the sheet down Soda immediately jumped on me. Man he was hugging me tightly. For a second I thought maybe he'd strangle me to death but I wasn't that lucky.  
  
Two-bit and Steve and eventually Darry once he got down started making a fuss. And the firefighters, after talking some to Darry finally left.  
  
I came in my room. The rest of the guys followed. I guess I wasn't trusted to be left alone.  
  
I got to get on with living or get the hell on with dying.  
  
Shove a million dollars in my pocket but there ain't no pacifying me.  
  
I can't take this pain anymore. I need to die. But nobody seems to want to let me. So I need to get healthy and start living again. But I can't do that either. I'm stuck on the fence right now. And I must admit I need to get off soon. I don't care on which side.  
  
They've been talking about me for awhile. It's like I'm not even there. So I just keep gazing off into the distance and pretending like I don't hear.  
  
Soda says. "I wish I knew what's wrong with him. I wish he'd at least talk to us."  
  
Steve sighs. "You know I don't mean this harshly. But it's obvious. He's gone nuts."  
  
Soda whispers. "Shh. He's right there."  
  
Steve answers again. "He can't hear what's going on."  
  
Anyone can see, what's happening to me.  
  
My life's out of reach of my arms but I'm holding on.  
  
I've been shutting myself out lately. I know I have. But I couldn't do it any longer. They wanted me to talk. I would. I couldn't guarantee how much but I would. I mean I was forgetting to sound what my voice sounded like.  
  
I let out a small sarcastic laugh. Everyone turned toward me immediately. And I continued without taking my eyes off the wall and without blinking. "I may be crazy but that doesn't mean I'm deaf."  
  
I knew I said it harsh and not joking. But I didn't care anymore.  
  
I'm living in a dream, and no one hears me scream.  
  
I'm breaking at the seams of life but I'm holding on.  
  
In my nightmares I wake up screaming and someone's always there. But lately its like I'm screaming inside. But no one can hear me scream. Frankly if they did I'm not sure if they'd even care. If they cared they would have let me hit the ground.  
  
I'm already dead inside. But yet I still move and breathe like a living person. Why?  
  
Soda approaches me first. "Pon, you're not crazy."  
  
I laugh loudly and harshly causing him to back up.  
  
I've created a world that is devoid of love.  
  
I'm praying to God and up to Heaven above.  
  
My heart and my soul have turned to push and shove.  
  
It's enough to kill me but it's never enough.  
  
Oh but I am crazy Soda. If only you knew.  
  
I'm on my own now. But that's okay. I don't want anybody else. Besides I have the voices in my head. They're the only company I need even if they are unwanted. So go on and think I'm crazy. Because I know its true.  
  
I got to get on with living or get the hell on with dying.  
  
Shove a million dollars in my pocket but there ain't no pacifying me.  
  
Darry gives it a shot. He comes closer to me slowly and places a hand on my shoulder.  
  
"Come on Ponyboy, we care about you and want to help you."  
  
I just laugh harshly and loudly again.  
  
Anyone can see, what's happening to me.  
  
My life's out of reach of my arms but I'm holding on.  
  
When no one says anything I respond completely without emotion. "If you cared about me you would have let me die.""  
  
No one says anything after that. They seem to move to the kitchen. But I know they're still watching me.  
  
I'm glad they're gone. I don't feel like talking anymore. To be honest with you my voice is rather annoying. No wonder I haven't talked in so long. The very sound of it makes me want to drill a hole in the side of my head and fill it with nitrochloric acid.  
  
I'm living in a dream, and no one hears me scream.  
  
I'm breaking at the seams of life but I'm holding on  
  
And then the voices come back. And I finally really listen to them. I've finally figured out who they are.  
  
"You failed like you always do. Can't even kill yourself right. If you were more like me."  
  
"They're right Pony. You failed."  
  
"We're disappointed in you. You better try again."  
  
"You can kill two of your supposed best friends but not yourself."  
  
I stopped realizing the second voice had crossed over. It used to be the voice of reason and hope. Even though it didn't get through as well as the rest most of the time it at least still believed in me. And now I realized who it was.  
  
It was me. I hadn't even realized before it had been so long since I heard my own voice. But now I'm sure. I've even lost total faith in myself.  
  
And the other voices. I don't know how I couldn't have realized it before. The first voice. It belonged to Dally. It was quite evident. I could hear the same tone of recklessness he always had.  
  
And the third voice. It was a mixture of two. Two voices I hadn't heard in awhile but I knew for sure that it was mom and dad. They were disappointed in me.  
  
And the last voice. It was so quiet and unsure. It belonged to Johnny. I sighed out loud.  
  
Even they wanted me dead. So it must be the right thing. They had never come through so clear before.  
  
The second voice, my own continued.  
  
"You failure. You can't do anything right. Just hurry up and get it over with before you kill someone else or ruin another person's life."  
  
I hated that voice. Oh how badly I wanted a drill. 


	5. Harvester of sorrow

Hullo everyone. this is Harvester of Sorrow by Metallica! Yay! But anyway I'm sorry it's been forever, I've been lazy, and busy with school.  
  
Thanks to: kimmerkay -thanks so much for the suggestions. I wrote them down and looked into the lyrics and am planning on them for future chapters! Thanks again! And ya he does need help lol! Hehe.  
  
crazy4nc128 -hehe okie I won't answer that. Lol update u 2!  
  
CrazeLilDreamer-hehe thanks a bunch! Keep reading!  
  
SodapopC -lol, don't worry I laughed when writing it so it's all good! Lol thanks man!  
  
GirlsDontCri -hehe, thanks for another great review, keep it up ;)!  
  
And as always. I own nothing.  
  
Pony's POV again  
  
My Life Suffocates  
  
Planting Seeds of Hate  
  
I've Loved, Turned to Hate  
  
Trapped Far Beyond My Fate  
  
I'm so trapped. I can't get away from myself-or those voices. But Johnny, Mom and Dad, maybe even Dally, they all cared about me at one time. What happened?  
  
"You failed them and killed them you idiot." Ah, my own voice again. I had killed Johnny and Dally. But I didn't kill mom and dad. Oh but surely somehow that was my fault too.  
  
I Give  
  
You Take  
  
This Life That I Forsake  
  
Been Cheated of My Youth  
  
You Turned this Lie to Truth  
  
I should be in jail, or dead. Either way I shouldn't be here free to live my life and enjoy my youth. I took life from four people; five if you count bob. Plus all the people whose lives have been affected. Darry and Soda-I've ruined their lives too.  
  
I pull the covers over my head.  
  
Anger  
  
Misery  
  
You'll Suffer unto Me  
  
But haven't I suffered enough having to live with all this guilt?  
  
"Ha! You don't know what suffering is kid!" Dally's voice rang loud in my head.  
  
"You deserve everything you get and more." My hideous voice.  
  
"You've gotten off lucky. You ruined lives and our family." Mom and dad.  
  
"You killed your best friend Ponyboy, what do you expect. You killed me!" Oh, Johnny.  
  
They're right.  
  
Harvester of Sorrow  
  
Language of the Mad  
  
Harvester of Sorrow  
  
Pure Black Looking Clear  
  
My Work Is Done Soon Here  
  
Try Getting Back to Me  
  
Get Back Which Used to Be  
  
I wish I could go back. I'd change everything. I'd have it so they'd all be here. I never would have even run out that night. Then none of this would have happened. I wish things could be back to how they used to be.  
  
But things will never be the same. And it's all thanks to me. I have no choice but to leave too.  
  
But I don't want to yet.  
  
Drink up  
  
Shoot in  
  
Let the Beatings Begin  
  
Distributor of Pain  
  
Your Loss Becomes My Gain  
  
Anger  
  
Misery  
  
You'll Suffer unto Me  
  
I have to save the world from myself.  
  
I bring pain and misery onto everyone. I'm a plague. I'm the devil's advocate. I'm a bad, bad person. I'm the harvester of sorrow.  
  
Harvester of Sorrow  
  
Language of the Mad  
  
Harvester of Sorrow  
  
All Have Said Their Prayers  
  
Invade Their Nightmares  
  
See into My Eyes  
  
You'll Find Where Murder Lies  
  
Infanticide  
  
Where did I go wrong? I used to be a good person. But somewhere I turned evil.  
  
"People don't turn evil, it's in them all along. Trust me I know. I've seen it."  
  
"Pony, you were never a good boy."  
  
"I can't believe this is our son. What did we do to deserve this?"  
  
"You seemed like such a good person. Digging sunsets and all-but all along you were just a murderer deep down."  
  
Harvester of Sorrow  
  
Language of the Mad  
  
Harvester of Sorrow  
  
Language of the Mad  
  
Harvester of Sorrow  
  
The Frayed Ends of Sanity  
  
I'm losing it. I can't take this much longer. I need to escape somehow. I can feel myself rocking under the blankets. I pull the blankets tighter and tighter and tighter. I'm not sure why. But I need to do something so that's what I do. Maybe if I'm lucky enough I'll strangle myself. So I pull tighter on my neck.  
  
Never Hunger  
  
Never Prosper  
  
I Have Fallen Prey to Failure  
  
Struggle Within  
  
Triggered Again  
  
Now the Candle Burns at Both Ends  
  
Twisting under Schizophrenia  
  
Falling Deep into Dementia  
  
If I just finish myself off already then I wouldn't have to take this anymore. No more fighting myself, the voices in my head. I'm a failure and that's that there's no fixing it now.  
  
I have to do this. Then why am I finding it so hard to do so? Why can't I just get it over with? I don't want to die. Oh but I must. But no. I try fighting myself. But I can't. I let out a scream.  
  
Old Habits Reappear  
  
Fighting the Fear of Fear  
  
Growing Conspiracy  
  
Everyone's after Me  
  
Frayed Ends of Sanity  
  
Hear Them Calling  
  
Hear Them Calling Me  
  
And I keep screaming. I can feel tears start to run down my face as I scream. I kick wildly under the blankets and squirm with all my might. But I can't stop myself. It feels more like I'm fighting some strong soc than myself.  
  
I hear voices around me now. They must have heard me scream. Good, they'll save me.  
  
But no one can save me from myself.  
  
Birth of Terror  
  
Death of Much More  
  
I'm the Slave of Fear,my Captor  
  
Never Warnings  
  
Spreading its Wings  
  
As I Wait for the Horror She Brings  
  
Loss of Interest,question,wonder  
  
Waves of Fear They Pull Me under  
  
Why would they bother saving me anyway. I'm not Ponyboy anymore. I'm some sort of monster that will just bring them pain. If they were smart they'd leave me to myself and I'll eventually finish myself off.  
  
AH. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.  
  
Old Habits Reappear  
  
Fighting the Fear of Fear  
  
Growing Conspiracy  
  
Everyone's after Me  
  
Frayed Ends of Sanity  
  
Hear Them Calling  
  
Hear Them Calling Me  
  
I guess the managed to pull the blankets off of me. But I'm still kicking and screaming and crying. I just can't stop.  
  
I feel Soda's reassuring hand on my shoulder. "Come on Pony wake up, it's okay." BUT I'M NOT ASLEEP! I'M STUCK IN A NIGHTMARE BUT IT'S NOT ONE YOU CAN WAKE UP FROM! DON'T YOU GET IT!  
  
Into Run  
  
I Am Sinking  
  
Hostage of this Nameless Feeling  
  
Hell Is Set Free  
  
Flooded I'll Be  
  
Feel the Undertow Inside Me  
  
I guess they realize this finally. Darry's holding me down by the shoulders trying to steady me. I still squirm with all my might and kick my legs wildly.  
  
Two-bit and Steve have my legs now. No matter how much I try I can't move. But I still scream.  
  
Height,hell,time,haste,terror,tension  
  
Life,death,want,waste,mass Depression  
  
These words repeats furiously over and over again in my head. THAT'S IT I GIVE UP!  
  
I stop moving and fighting. I stop screaming. I just give up and give into the tears. I curl myself into a ball and sob uncontrollably. I want out.  
  
Someone's holding me. I turn to look up at Soda. I know I won't be in this mind state for very long. Soon I'll be the voices will be back and I can't fight them off much longer.  
  
Old Habbits Reappear  
  
Fighting the Fear of Fear  
  
Growing Conspiracy  
  
Myself Is after Me  
  
Frayed Ends of Sanity  
  
Hear Them Calling  
  
Frayed Ends of Sanity  
  
Hear Them Calling  
  
Hear Them Calling Me  
  
I hear the voices starting to come back. I need to get rid of them. But they won't let me. I have to do something fast before they come back. Through sobs I manage to look Soda deep in the eyes and see he's holding tears back himself.  
  
I manage to whisper. "Soda, I need help."  
  
Sorry it was short and what not please review! I need help with plot! Hehe( 


End file.
